Who Called Us

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The only thing this bunch is praying for is that you'll keep sending those checks. Reports elsewhere indicate that one calling for a prayer 'swim buddy' is likely to find a bored CSR who might as well be a robot. From this will follow constant mailings and pestering for donations. Everyone seems to have forgotten the ''700'' part of the ''club'' once referred to a membership fee. Infer from that what you like about its priorities. If you want a true leader in ''selfish and self-centered'' behavior, look first to ringmaster Pat Robertson, who tried to Astroturf his way to the White House and takes undue credit for the clearer thinking of others once he is proven wrong. There is no such thing as a fully legit charity with a mega-millionaire for a CEO. His whole business model is based on a belief that everyone's ego is as fragile as his own.

Here's how the great busker show that is 700 Club/CBN News works: First you stack up a pile of heavily slanted yellow journalism about hot-button issues, wars, disasters, scandals, and all sorts of human conflict. Season them heavily to bitter taste with fear, uncertainty, and doubt. Then you pass every single story across the desk and ask, "Whadya think, Pat?" He and unctuous talking heads opine and spin in the most wrongheaded and threatening ways possible, such as claiming that disease is divine punishment and all astronauts are heathens who need a brisk stoning. Add some Sucralose-flavored testimonial pieces which are not news but occult fiction about vat-grown people with smooth skin who found The Club and its version of Jeee-sus, got their whole lives a makeover, and seemingly ''won'' Pat's version of a spiritual lottery by sending him a wad of cash.

You aim all this squarely at the least educated, the most economically troubled, and the most emotionally vulnerable, pretty much the favorite soft targets of all scammers and hustlers. You use their fears against them, and make them run for comfort to the richly dressed arms of a faux man of God who'd hocked his soul for a satellite earth station decades ago. You convince them that a ''pay to play'' casino mentality is somehow normal in the Lord's kingdom and a fair substitute for actual honest duels with one's personal moral choices. As Peter put it in a certain bestseller book, "through covetousness shall they with feigned words make merchandise of you." This sort of scam is precisely the kind of thing the real Jesus was so pissed about when he upturned those merchant tables.

The following ''stories'', in the fictional sense, all appeared in a single recent broadcast. I've condensed them to pretty accurate headlines, which by default belong in either a tabloid rag or The Onion: (Scratch that, The Onion is deliberately hilarious.)

- Girl Levitated From Flood By Mysterious Force: Must Be God!
- Jesus Chats In Dream With Muslim, Who Instantly Converts - and we got a full transcript!
- Vicious Burglars In Woman's House Stopped Cold By Pat Robertson Appearing On Videotape!
(subtitle: Thug Decked and Immobilized By Pat's Strange Power Radiating From a Tinny Speaker and 19" Tube!

Many of these tall tale segments conveniently are recorded outside the US and layered with English narration, and all are heavily ''recreated'', making fact-checking a very long shot. Along the way, Pat and his younger powdered cohosts make several offers, saying in essence: "This can be you next! Here's a CD! Here's a DVD! Pray with me, I'll give you some swag!" But again, this is not about free prayer but passing a collection basket on a very long rod.

Oh, and then the absolute weirdest viewer mail was answered, all following another ''fear and doubt'' theme of a little understood topic, which hardly seems relevant to anyone seeking the kind of positive modern spiritual guidance I thought Vatican II was meant to encourage. These are actual quotes and paraphrases of Pat's responses:

- "Demons can control a Ouija board."
- Witchcraft curses can be waved away by speaking "in the name of JEEzus".
- A demon spoke to me through a teenage girl.
- On tomorrow's show, Tim Pawlenty!

I'm so blindsided by this madness I have to look outdoors to be certain I haven't slid through a temporal rift into an alternate timeline where The Munsters and the Groovy Goolies and Joe Dante's Gremlins are considered documentary nonfiction.

Last I checked and following twelve years of Catholic education, God sets no toll booth or reverse-charged phone number, and God doesn't hand out cheap carnival prizes. You can talk to God perfectly well without the help of a man who would never in a hundred years fit his camel through that needle's eye and runs a supernatural sideshow predicated on fright-mongering and deception.

As Pat's clan is in this for profit, I would apply to these calls regulations like TCPA and TSR and any relevant state laws. Revoke all calling permission from persistent beggars, preferably in print and sent via USPS Certified with return card.

This number belongs to CBN, Inc. / The 700 Club... while I understand the below comments dated earlier than mine, I have to say that 1) I'm grateful they want to call and pray with you, not just take your money and say "forget you" like some businesses and charities may do, and 2) the comments below seem to reflect (at least to me) just how selfish and self-centered we are these days, rather than being grateful that others want to pray for us and with us... Remember everyone, Jesus said "My peace be with you..." and "Love one another as I have loved you..." ~ †☺†

I just received a call from that number this morning. I didn't answer because I don't know anyone from that areacode..

I have had 4 calls since Oct 20th. We decided to give 20.00 a month. We are much too busy for the phone to keep ringing.

Yes, CBN is calling you to pray with you, answer and let them pray with you!!

Im a member of the 700 club too , if they call , don't be nasty with them , just say that your offering was a one time offering and ask them to continue to pray for you .
God knows the heart of man .they have a great ministry and that does take money . if you can not give more say so , its that simple , ask them to pray for you that your financial income will increase so that you may continue with your offerings or tithes . so that you both are bless

You shouldn't pester people to give. The've called at least 4 times I know of in past week. They called at 9 am this morning. They've spent more money on letters & phone calls asking for money than the original amount my husband ever donated to them to begin with. I thought the money was going to help poor people in 3rd world nations etc. It is no wonder people have a bad opinion of televangelists.

Donate once, and they expect it monthly

No msg.

more right wing theocratic bastards!!